Black Friday is almost here! To get you pumped for that ruthless holiday shopping, here is the perfect fight song playlist to get you into the holiday spirit!
1.“Don’t Stop Believing”-Journey: You are just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world and you will fight to the death if that newly divorced mom, Trish thinks she will come between you and that half-priced maternity pillow you’ve had your eye on since Brad broke up with you a week ago.
2. “Lose Yourself”- Eminem: Your dad’s palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, vomit on his turtle neck already, wife’s stuffed turkey. Home Depot finally has a sale on the Nexgrill 5-Burner Propane Gas Grill in Stainless Steel with Side Burner and this is the most excitement he’s felt in years. This Christmas, Joe will not miss this sale, he will lose himself and never let it go, unlike his marriage of forty-two years.
3. “I Like It”- Cardi B: This 2018 Latin Trap jam will not only remind you that you like diamonds, dollars, millions of dollars but you’re also one hot tamale and if anyone steps in between you and that last ten-dollar fleece blanket from Costco, you’ll beat them up like a piñata.
4. “All I Do Is Win”- DJ Khaled: All you do is win, no matter what! It’s five in the morning and those last pair of Jordan’s are about to be grabbed by an undeserving twelve-year-old. Next, you step to him and his hands go up and he stays there. You’ve never been defeated and you won’t stop now! Once you’re home, place those new sneakers into that shoe bin from Ikea you successfully built after calling your dad three times for help.
5. “T.N.T”- AC/DC: Someone tell Aunt Susan she will not be riding out of the sunset on a new color TV because it was you who circled the two-hundred dollar, forty two-inch flat screen in yesterday’s Best Buy ad. You are dynamite, you will win the fight! Aunt Susan is going down!
6. “Stronger”- Britney Spears: Look, you are stronger than you ever thought that you could be and will hold onto this last iPad Mini with data for dear life because your loneliness ain’t killing you. But you will kill to show your child that you love them even if you’re never home.
7. “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”- My Chemical Romance: You’ve been waiting in line for twelve hours at Game Stop only to have the gangly, pimple-faced teen sales associate come out and inform everyone that the last Nintendo Switch has been sold. That’s when you scream out, “I’m not okay, I’m not okay, well I’m not okay, I’m not o-fucking-kay!” You won’t get your Nintendo Switch, but no one in the store will dare touch anything you’re eyeing in the store.
8. “Formation”- Beyonce: You see it, you want it. You grind, till you own it. And if that Toyota Prius takes the last parking space near the home goods entrance of Target, you’ll slay.
Happy Holiday Shopping! And may the joys of consumerism bring out the best in all of us!
I love being a dog walker because I LOVE dogs, I LOVE making money, and I LOVE very little human interaction when I’m working. Yes, dogs are adorable, they’re man’s best friend, and their love makes us feel whole. But enough with the chit chat, Susan!
“Awe. What a cute dog! I used to have the same one, but she died…” Look, I have also lost a pet so I am not unsympathetic but considering I’m only getting paid twelve dollars to walk this still alive dog for half an hour I don’t have time to be your therapist. But I do hope Sparky rests in peace.
“Beautiful!!!!!” You pointing in my direction and shouting beautiful is very confusing. Are you saying I’m beautiful or the dog is beautiful? Either way, let’s not shout things out at people or animals even if it’s meant to be a compliment.
“My dog doesn’t like black dogs. I don’t know why.” Racism starts in the home, Carol.
“Isn’t that sweet? My dog likes your dog because she gave him her butt!” Do you even hear what you’re saying? Also, I’ve been sending mixed signals.
“If a male dog still has his balls, he’ll want to be the alpha.” I’m pretty sure that’s universal.
“You can walk me anytime” You can’t afford my prices.
“How old is your dog?” I don’t know. Do you know the ages of all your clients, Brad?
“Poor thing looks tired!” First things first, that’s rude. Never tell anyone or anything they look tired. Second, I’m tired. This dog just went outside. Doggy is fine. I’m the one walking over ten miles a day.
“Poor dog is freezing!” Yes, the dog might be cold because it’s winter and it has to go outside to poop and pee, but I’m outside the entire day walking these furry animals and no one seems to care that I’m cold! Will someone please care about me?
“Poor dog is hot.” It’s summer. Everyone is hot. Do you see the sweat dripping from my forehead? I’m dying. The dog gets to go right back into an air-conditioned apartment and everyone in these luxury buildings looks at me like I’m the animal for having armpit stains.
“Go pet the dog, Billy!” Please stop telling your children to pet the dogs I’m walking. A lot of dogs don’t like children because they’re annoying and if little Zebulon gets bitten, that’s on you!
“Awe, I love this dog!” *Then Stranger Pets Dog Without Asking* Stop this right now! What’s wrong with you? Always ask to pet a dog. The dog doesn’t need the love of a stranger to feel validated. Something I’m envious of.
“What kind of dog is that? Where did it come from?” Do I look like I can afford 23 & Me? It’s a dog. That’s the best you’re going to get from me.
In conclusion, let us dog walkers walk, we do not want to talk, because we are on the clock!